"Where have you taken me? You said we were going to have fun," Illyria spoke in her usual monotonous tone as she and Xander entered Houston's Six Flags Astroworld front gate.

"I told you that I would take you to see humans having some good old-fashioned human fun. This is the best I could come up with. Astroworld has all the water excitement and awesome rides that one can dream of. Come on, let's get a directory brochure and grab a snack while we read about all the rides. Then we can choose which ones to go on."

Illyria gave him a puzzled look as she asked, "I thought you expressly ordered the non-consumption of any food sources before aquatic activities."

"I did, but I had forgotten about all the other cool attractions that are here. Since we have a few hours to kill, and you should experience many different forms of fun, I thought we could check out the rides first and then hit the Water Park later."

"Besides," he added eagerly, "I spotted the Texas Chili Dog stand on the way in, and I'm a regular Tex Mex addict. Want to try some?"

Illyria usually expressed disgust for any food sources, but she decided that if it would help her blend in with the humans, she would perhaps partake of a cone of the spun sugary substance she found strangely appealing. Also, for some reason, she was drawn to the taco stand.

Xander wasn't too sure he liked the idea of an ex-god-king on a sugar high, but if she wanted cotton candy and a taco, that's what she'd have. He aimed to please today. And at least she had agreed to sit down and peruse the colorful brochure that described the park's 30-plus thrilling attractions.

Some of the most tantalizing were featured in bold lettering and graphic pictures.

SWAT spun the riders 360 degrees forward and backward while suspended 105 feet in the air. Xander decided that one might be a bit too much, especially after eating.

SERIAL THRILLER was a mega roller coaster that featured five inversion loops and corkscrew spirals with a double spin. Both the VIPER and the TEXAS CYCLONE were sprawling roller coasters that twisted and turned in figure eight bends, racing through tunnels and a 360-degree loop.

In addition to the many coasters and standard Ferris wheels and carousels, there were also rides that took the rider on exciting trips around the park perimeter. WARP 2000 took a galactic trip high above the park skyline on whirling arms, and the 610 LIMITED featured a train ride within the park's grounds.

After much discussion and begging on Xander's part, Illyria finally gave in and decided she'd accompany him on several attractions purely to gain insight on what she referred to as the human condition. As they stood in line for tickets, she observed the crowds around them with puzzled scrutiny.

"This location seems to attract vast hordes of the pupae stage of your species," she stated simply.

Xander looked at her in confusion, trying to decipher her code. "Pupae? Oh, kids. You mean kids. Children. Yeah, I guess it does, but hey, grownups like amusement parks, too. I love these places, and so does Spike. He told me stories of the coasters he's been on all over the world. But I don't think he's ever been here before."

He paused for a moment as she had given him the raised eyebrow on that declaration, then he continued. "See, adults get a chance to return to their youth at these parks. They get to release their inner child, so to speak."

"You and my pet have an immature being trapped within your shells?" she asked with surprise.

Xander blanched at the troubled look on her face. "What? Oh, no. That would be way creepy. Beyond creepy. What I meant is, adults let their childlike feelings and emotions come out when they have fun. Inner child is just a figure of speech, and it means we sometimes like to act silly and carefree and just like big---kids. Know what I mean?"

Illyria tilted her head and regarded him seriously for a long moment. Then she straightened and gave him an enigmatic smile. "Your words do much to confirm my theory. You and the half-breed willingly allow your behavior to regress."

Xander wasn't sure that her comments were meant as an insult, but he wasn't exactly getting the vibe that they were much of a compliment either. So he figured he'd bow out gracefully.

"Well, Your Highness, you're right. We do regress a bit, but sometimes you just have to let yourself go a little -- kind of let your hair down and have fun."

Illyria regarded him for a moment and then nodded. "My hair is not up. Very well," she agreed. "I am willing to explore this concept of learning fun, in the interest of preparing myself to exist in this dismal plane. You will proceed to instruct me. Now."

Xander rolled his eyes and made a mock bow as he steered her towards the roller coaster entrance. "Right away, your godliness. Prepare yourself for the ride of your life."

Two hours later, Xander and Illyria made their way back across the main parkway heading for the Water Park.

Xander was pale as a ghost and looked a little green in the gills. As soon as he could extract himself from the seat belt of the last roller coaster they had sampled, he rushed off for the closest restroom. He wasn't sure whether it had been the hair-pin curves in the dark on the MINDBENDER, the final catapult backwards and then forwards on GREEZED LIGHTNIN', or just the plain old 230-foot freefall in the DUNGEON DROP, that had finally done him in, but that Texas Chili Dog was long gone.

Illyria on the other hand, was chatting continuously and seemed almost exhilarated after the rides, although she had yet to admit to having a good time. But that failure to smile or praise didn't keep her from clamoring for more. Xander didn't know if it was the sugar high from the cotton candy kicking in, or her perverse pleasure at his obvious lack of intestinal fortitude, but he could swear she might actually have enjoyed herself.

Oh, sure, she did contend that the Mayan Temple couldn't compare to the ones that had been erected to her magnificence back in the day, and also that the WARP 2000 galaxy journey was nothing compared to the G-forces during time travel. She said she didn't understand why humans were so impressed with these activities, but Xander still believed that she had secretly enjoyed them.

As they walked towards the entrance to the Water Park area, Xander could see the TIDAL WAVE and the OZARK SPLASH. He took Illyria's arm to get her attention and steered her to the locker room areas.

She gave him a wary look at his touch, but did not pull away.

"What is the next demonstration of fun?" she asked. "Maybe I will finally gain an understanding of how it is supposed to feel."

Xander looked at her in disbelief, wondering if he was going to be able to keep up with her wearying pace.

"Look, Illyria, it's hot. Really hot. I know a gorgeous god like you probably does not feel temperature changes, but this guy sure does. What do you say we try out some of the water rides now? Here, you need to go into the ladies room and change."

"Change? You mean you wish me not to look like my shell?" Illyria asked, confused by Xander's request.

"No. I mean I want you to put on the bathing suit that Haley gave me for you to wear," Xander replied, rolling his eyes as he placed the black one-piece suit with a flowered print into her hands.

Illyria raised the skimpy piece of cloth closer to her face and stared at it oddly. "So part of this experience is getting into less clothes in order to lust after each other in a public facility," she remarked in a tone that indicated it was more of a statement than a question.

"No lusting. There will be no lusting of any kind," Xander said firmly.

Illyria looked around at the other people in this part of the park and noticed that almost all of them were wearing swimsuits or shorts and tank tops, and only a very few seemed to be lusting for each other. Most were talking animatedly or even laughing. Perhaps this really was the way to experience fun. She turned and walked toward the restroom.

"I will meet you out here," Xander called with a laugh. Then he muttered under his breath, "She is going to drive me crazier than Anya ever did." He laughed again as he went into the men's restroom.

Xander quickly changed into his swimming trunks, knowing that Illyria would not take long to change. He did not really want to leave her alone with the humanity she was so eager to learn about. As he hurried back outside, he shuddered, imagining what she might possibly do in order to better her understanding of people.

"You change quick for a woman," Xander said, smiling when he found Illyria waiting impatiently for him.

Illyria glared at him. "That is because I do not actually need to change my attire. I can merely absorb the clothing onto my body. Do not worry. No one observed me doing so. I did it in the privacy of a tiny chamber inside the larger room."

"Oh, well, that's good, then. I'm glad it worked out for you," Xander said, gazing straight ahead at the park and thinking that her choice of the word 'absorb' was not far off the mark. He tried very hard not to look directly at Illyria, but he had already taken note of how amazing her firm, slender body appeared in that lycra suit.

"You are avoiding making eye-contact with me. I assume this is because you are afraid you will lust after me. I do not understand why humans deprive themselves of the things that they want," she said in almost a teasing tone.

He turned and looked at her for a long moment with a notably serious expression. "We aren't having this conversation again, Illyria!"

"Fine, then we shall join those humans on that circular apparatus that has all of the loops. It appears that the people there are screaming like the ones who were on the other rides. Why do they do that? Do they fear for their lives? Is the water extremely hot or cold? If so, why would they want to participate in something painful? They can not regulate their body temperature like I can," Illyria said, clearly intrigued.

"No, the water is not painful," Xander explained as they walked nearer to the waterslide. "People find it exhilarating. See, they have fun when they slide down from the top to the bottom."

"Like when people scream during sex? They are having fun, but still they scream. Or they moan. Or sometimes they whimper. Does this water slide provide the same type of satisfaction as sex does for humans?" Illyria asked, obviously fascinated by what seemed like an odd idea to her. "Is this a way to teach children what sex will be like for them when they have matured enough to copulate?"

"Oh, my God. No! That is not the point at all. And please don't mention the words children and sex in the same sentence ever again. That's very inappropriate and downright creepy. And we're in Texas, for crying out loud. Not only do they use the death penalty on a regular basis here, but they might even just take us out on the range somewhere and lynch us!"

"So there is no such education for children? How do they learn about it?"

"From their mis-informed peers. And from magazines and Cinemax movies, just like I did. Please, let's get off this subject. Does everything have to be about sex with you? Seriously, I am starting to wonder if Fred was some sort of sex addict," Xander said, rolling his eyes.

"But why--"

"And no, Illyria. I would say that even for adults, sex and waterslides are very different types of fun, but again, can we not talk about this right now?" Xander said, looking around at all the children running past them and all over the park.

Like most adults, Xander felt children should remain innocent as long as possible in a world that uses sex to sell just about everything in its advertising and in movies, TV shows, music. Xander gasped as he suddenly realized why Illyria seemed so intent on understanding sex. It really was prevalent everywhere in today's culture.

As a teenaged boy and young man, he'd kind of liked it that way, but now he was beginning to see it all from another viewpoint. No. Time to shelve the deep thinking and have some good, clean fun. He'd just enjoy life and innocence wherever he could find it, when he was not busy killing vampires and demons. And entertaining ex-gods.

"Winifred Burkle was not a sex addict," said Illyria, interrupting Xander's contemplation, "but I am curious about this aquatic fun. I want to experience it."

"So let's go, then," said Xander, and they began to walk towards the line of people, waiting to use the waterslide.

"I do not understand why humans feel the need to wear tiny pieces of cloth just to slide down chutes and scream for amusement. Perhaps they need this excitement in their lives to compensate because they do not choose to hunt and kill demons, which is a more natural pleasure. But I am still willing to try and understand why this action makes so many of them happy."

"Why in the hell do I keep trying? She's never going to admit she's having fun.

Xander shook his head and sighed before he followed Illyria and began climbing to the top of the slide. Maybe I do need to read that book about the fox.

After experiencing every single one of the water rides -- some of them twice -- Xander and Illyria relaxed in the pool at the bottom of the biggest slide. They floated languidly in the limpid liquid despite the splashes from other people who climbed out of the pool rather quickly in their hurry to move on to their next ride.

Suddenly, a familiar voice was heard whooping and laughing from the top of the slide, and then Mena appeared at the bottom of it before slipping into the depths with them. She was immediately followed by a loud, "Bloody he-e-e-ell" as Spike glided down the last of the slide, with legs flying before him, and landed in the pool beside them.

"That was so cool!" shouted Mena.

"Glad you're enjoying yourself, pet. This kind of thing isn't good for my dignity, though, so please don't tell Xand--"

"Hi, Spike," Xander drawled.

Spike and Mena turned to find Xander grinning broadly at them. They stood up and made their way over to join Illyria and him. Illyria's eyes moved immediately to Spike's chest. She had been enjoying Xander's broad shoulders, muscular arms and manly chest, but she was drawn even more to Spike's lean, chiseled physique, especially his abdominal muscles.

She wondered what it would be like to run her fingers across them and perhaps her tongue. The water droplets on his skin looked so tempting. Maybe she could change his mind about that other Slayer, the blonde one they called Buffy. What an ignoble name for a champion of her people. Her thoughts were curtailed when Xander began teasing her pet.

"Don't think you're ever going to live this one down, Spike. I'm describing your wild entrance into this pool to everyone we know. I'm even putting it on the internet."

"No one will believe it, you tosser. And so what? Other than you, no one whose opinion I care about will give a bloody hoot."

"Oh, so you're saying you care about me and my opinion of you? How sweet, Spike."

"That's not what I meant, and you know it. Say, are you putting on a little weight? Looks like you've added a new love handle. Too bad you've got no lover to handle it."

"Hey! I'll have you know this is all finely-toned muscle, mister. And you're trying to shift the focus off you, aren't you?"

Mena laughed loudly as she climbed out of the pool. "Come on, you guys. They're shutting down the water rides. Guess it gets a little cold for people soon after the sun goes down."

"Don't know why, with all this blazing Texas heat," grumbled Xander as he climbed out after her. "This is the most comfortable I've been all day."

"Their advertising on the net said that they usually close the whole place by this time," said Mena, "but I read in the paper that they're staying open later this week to accommodate all of the additional visitors to Houston for the dog show and the circus. That's why I talked Spike into coming over here with me, since I knew he could enjoy the rides at night."

"She remembered the stories I told you two about the coasters I've ridden all over the world," said Spike. "Then she asked me if I'd ever been to Astroworld. As soon as I said 'no', her mind was made up. She felt it was my mission to add these coasters to my list, but I knew she really wanted to come for her own enjoyment. So here we are."

They began walking toward the restroom areas so they could change back into their dry clothing. Illyria followed silently behind them, still eyeing the men appreciatively.

"Must say, Xander. Didn't expect to see you here with Illyria. Very clever of you. Very foxy." Spike and Xander exchanged pointed glances, and Mena giggled, which led Xander to conclude that she also knew about The Little Prince.

"What time did you guys get here?" asked Mena. "Have you been on all the rides already, or will you go on some with us?" Mena was practically bubbling over with enthusiasm.

"Xander was unwilling to ride some of them," commented Illyria. "He said he was being wisely cautious, but his heart rate told me he was fearful. However, we've experienced several of the mechanical apparatus or apparatuses. I believe both words are considered correct as a plural form."

"See, that's what I've had to put up with for the last couple of hours," said Xander. "The whole time we've been here. She told me she wanted to learn about fun, but she considers everything with such an intellectual approach. She doesn't know how to have fun and enjoy herself."

"Well, then," said Mena. We'll just have to try a little harder."

"What happened to your trousers?" asked Illyria. "They look very odd."

Spike laughed. "I know what you mean. One second, I was standing in front of Mena, holding a pair of perfectly fine jeans up in front of my lower half, when suddenly I hear a snip. Didn't even know she had a pair of scissors behind her back, and the next second, bob's your uncle. She's cut off the leg just above the knee. After that, it hardly mattered that she cut off the other one, too."

"Who is Bob?" asked Illyria. "And whose uncle is he?"

"That's just a British expression," explained Mena. "It means sort of the same thing as 'And there you have it'." She turned to Spike. "Now, you know that those jeans had big holes in the knees and smaller ones in several other places, too. Besides, you look hot in cut-offs."

"Mena!" said Xander in mock outrage.

"Would not the removal of the lower parts of the trousers result in you being more cool rather than hot?" demanded Illyria.

"I meant 'hot' as a term for describing how sexy and attractive Spike is, wearing cut-offs and no shirt."

"Yes, Spike is very alluring. I'm sure many women look at him with sex in their thoughts," agreed Illyria.

"Can't help it. I'm just a good-looking bloke," acknowledged Spike with a smirk.

"What am I, chopped liver?" teased Xander, pretending jealousy, but also feeling it more than he wanted to admit, too. "And, by the way, Mena, I thought I told you not to wear that bikini in crowds. There's nothing wrong with your tank suit. Of course, with Spike around, I'm sure no teenaged boys attempted to chase after you."

"I was perfectly safe, Dad," giggled Mena. "Now let's get out of these suits and into some coaster-wearing clothes."

"You are very attractive as well, Xander," said Illyria before disappearing into the restroom with Mena.

"Unfortunately, she's the one woman -- make that woman-like creature -- that I'd just as soon not find me attractive," groused Xander as he and Spike stepped into the men's room to change. Spike just grinned and slapped him on the back.

The foursome raced through the park, taking advantage of as many activities as they could before the park closed. Spike made sure that he rode every single coaster, even shaming Xander into trying the ones that he had foresworn earlier in the day.

By Ldynwaitin

It was while they were sitting and waiting for the XLR-8, the world's first suspended coaster, to begin its hair-raising ride that Spike spied two figures watching them from below. Laughing and grinning broadly, he gave one of his favorite and very rude, two-fingered salutes to Mike, who smiled back and waved. Lia simply glowered and turned away. Spike suspected that would not be the last they'd see of the Wolfram & Hart operatives while they were in Houston.

Spike definitely couldn't resist riding the VIPER, in honor of his beloved vehicle, and with a little coaxing, Xander agreed to his second experience on that particular coaster. They also rode the ULTRA TWISTER, which is the only barrel roller coaster left in the U.S.

The only ride Xander couldn't be talked into was the BATMAN ESCAPE, where the other three zoomed through a 360 degree loop with tunnels and turns -- all while standing up. Xander said he preferred to sit down for his amusement park rides, thank you very much.

Spike appreciated that they all agreed to ride the very tame Dentzel Carousel, an 1895 original, hand-painted merry-go-round, which resulted in quite a nostalgic few minutes for him. Mena loved the beautiful horses and the overall look of the old-fashioned carousel, remarking on the care with which it was both designed and maintained.

Then they spied the ANTIQUE TAXIS. Mena was disappointed that, once again, her desire to drive was denied. The operators insisted on drivers licenses. Xander drove one with Illyria as his passenger, and Mena rode with Spike, who told her tales of driving early model cars in the years when automobile travel was brand new.

When they left that area, Mena teased her Watcher by saying, "Those old-timer cars were more your speed, right, Xander?"

As they laughed, they noticed that more and more people were heading for the parking lot and decided that they should call it a night, too.

~~~~~~~~

Illyria stood in front of Xander and placed her hand on his chest. He came to a sudden halt, and Spike couldn't stop quickly enough to avoid bouncing off of his back. He stepped away quickly, disliking the idea of bouncing off Xander in any way, shape or form.

"Why are we leaving? I wish to experience fun." She was wearing Fred's face, but her stance was pure Illyria.

Xander sighed and spread his arms, gesturing at the rides and booths. "We're leaving because Astroworld is closing down. See, all the lights are shutting off. The big wheels and little cars aren't moving anymore."

"I will make them move the big wheels and little cars. You said I would have fun. I have not had fun."

People moved past them in bunches. Children clutching their bellies, sick from an overabundance of junk food. Adults clutching their bellies, sick from unwisely riding Diablo Falls. Voices -- excited, tired, laughing -- echoed in the increasingly empty spaces. The smell of stale popcorn and hot grease permeated the air.

"I said people came here to have fun. You wanted to understand people, so we came here to see how people do that. I had fun in spite of your party-poop attitude."

"I do not understand how this term applies to me. Party-poop. Explain."

Illyria's voice had taken on a distinct whine, and Spike wondered if she were mimicking the little girl who had made a fuss when the waterslides closed down. He laughed to himself. Spike was sure Xander wasn't mimicking consciously, but he had assumed the same posture as the little girl's mother, and his voice held the same note of exasperation.

He considered cautioning Xander because he wasn't sure how Illyria would react to a Xander-mother. Then again, maybe a Xander-mother was exactly what she needed. She wasn't hanging with Angel's Fang Gang, anymore.

Xander and Mena weren't used to dealing with and supplicating to demon cults and evil overlords as part of their everyday routine. Illyria was going to have to deal with humans, not the other way around. The park was emptying quickly, and there was room to stretch. If she turned nasty, it was better she do it here than in more crowded quarters. Spike decided to let Xander continue.

"Party-poop. One who poops on the party fun. One who refuses to get into the mood and tries to spoil it for everyone else. You," Xander pointed his finger directly at Illyria, "are a party-poop."

Illyria's nostrils flared, and her Fred-brown eyes took on a bluish tinge. "I am a God-King! I have lived seven lives simultaneously in seven different dimensions. I have played with life and death as though they were a child's toy." She stomped her foot. "I am not a party-poop!"

"Then why are you ragging on us? We showed you what there was to see. Let you experience the thrill and excitement that is Astroworld. Besides, you liked the waterslide. You said you did. That means you had at least some fun, so why don't you admit it? It's more fun for your companions when you show that you are having fun, too."

Illyria assumed one of Fred's thoughtful looks. Spike shuddered. He seldom had any problem differentiating between Fred and Illyria, even when she was in Fred's guise. This pose, this look carried a lot of memories for him, though. Memories of long nights when he was a ghost, around in the lab watching Fred pace and mutter and shuffle through her notes, and then she would assume that thoughtful look. He missed Fred. He shook off the memories and the pall they cast over him.

"The waterslide was...soothing. Soothing is not fun. Did you have fun?" Illyria turned to Spike, twirling on her heels so that puffs of dust rose from the dry ground.

"Hell of a lot more fun than I'm having standing here listening to you whinge."

"She's whingeing? Exactly what is whingeing? I've heard that term before, but I never knew what it meant." Xander's expression was a new one to Spike. Xander looked like he wanted to learn.

Well, he is a Watcher now. Spike supposed that changed a man.

Illyria objected to the change in subject. "I do not whinge." She looked at Xander. "It is good that you seek knowledge, but it must be subordinate to my needs. I have not had fun."

Xander waved his hands in a criss-cross motion. "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nothing about me must be subordinate to anything. Subordinate that means lower, right? Never mind. I know it does." He took a deep breath and faced Illyria, squarely. "This is something we need to get clear."

Spike stepped up. Illyria could be pushed only so far. Spike knew he could take a good blow from her, but Xander would be crushed like an egg. "Xander, maybe we should get a move on."

He frowned, hoping that Xander would get his gist. Xander ignored him.

"No. This is important. Illyria, you've asked to learn about human emotion. Big subject. Learning to feel it? Way big subject. You won't get it overnight. And you may not always recognize it when you do feel it. Believe me, you had some fun tonight; whether you think it was enough fun or not is a quantitative judgment..." Xander paused briefly to see if anyone was impressed with his big word, "that we don't really need to get into. The point is, the park is closing, and we are leaving."

Xander paced a few steps, scratching at his chin. "But more importantly, I am not subordinate to you. None of us is. We deserve respect even if we live only one life in one dimension and play with life and death like they are matters of life and death. If you don't respect us, you won't listen, and if you don't listen, you won't learn."

Spike's eyes sparkled with suppressed amusement. He liked Xander-mother. He pinned his gaze on Illyria, analyzing her tiniest movement. He didn't think Illyria would share his amusement; he prepared himself to jump between her and Xander if she showed the slightest inclination toward violence.

"You are as bad as the half-breed. Insolent." Illyria's tone was surprisingly mild, but Spike didn't relax. "I have beaten him repeatedly, but it has done no good."

"I'll accept that comparison as a compliment, but suggest you don't try beating me. I'll die but I'll still be insolent. Look, Illyria," Xander paused a moment, clearly collecting his thoughts, "if we change to suit you, then we can't show you what it is like to be human. You don't have to like it, but if you want to learn, you'll put up with it."

"Very well. I will not punish you as I do the half-breed. I still wish to pursue the subject of fun. Perhaps I did indeed experience a small measure of fun. You will explain how I did so."

Spike and Xander both sighed.

Xander was firm. "No. We were discussing something else. What were we discussing? I had a burning question. I just can't seem to remember what it was."

Mena answered, "Whingeing. It's pretty much the same thing as whining. Nice lecture, by the way."

"Why, thank you. My Watcher skills abound."

Illyria fastened her gaze on Mena. "Did you have fun? Was the Astroworld experience a fun and exciting adventure for you?"

Mena laughed at Illyria's obstinacy. "I did have fun - at least enough for one day. I think it's a matter of attitude. My Nyanya always said you could only fill something up if you emptied it first."

"You can only have fun if you are not filled with some other emotion?" Illyria's head tilted, and her gaze turned inward as she processed this notion.

"Something like that. You can have a positive experience only if you let the negativity go. I think that might be why you don't feel that you had fun, even though you did the same things we all did." Mena smiled shyly. "My Nyanya says many things, and I've never gone wrong following her advice."

"Your Nyanya is a wise woman of your people?"

Mena's voice was quiet, as she thought again how difficult it was to be apart from her grandmother and her life in Kenya. "She is. I love her very much."

"I will give her words some consideration then." Illyria whirled back to Xander. "You also claimed this place would be frightening."

Xander rubbed his face. "Didn't you hear all those people screaming?"

"I did. They did not smell of fear."

"That would be because they were having fun. Fun fear. Excitement rather than fear of death." Xander raised his hand. "The last tram is about to leave. Let's talk about this on the way back."

Illyria shook her head. "I do not wish to be enclosed. Fred has memories of standing on the pedestrian walkway that connects this place to the one where we are staying. I wish to repeat her experience."

Xander bowed and made a courtly sweep with his hands. "A beautiful evening. A walk with two beautiful ladies. What man could wish for more?"

"Hey. Don't forget about me," Spike pouted in mock protest. To his surprise, Illyria answered.

"You would be the more."

Spike was surprised into a laugh.

They ascended the stairs that led up the walkway. Most of the park's attendees had all ready gone ahead. Only a few stragglers remained, standing with elbows braced against the concrete walls, peering down at the traffic or up at the stars. Obviously, Fred wasn't the only one who enjoyed the overpass.

"Illyria, was that a joke back there?" Spike remembered Illyria's comments to him when she first arrived at his room. Was she developing a sense of humor? He wished he knew how much of her change was mere mimicry, how much was manipulation and how much was actual change.

"Yes. Humor would seem to be part of the human experience."

"Damn right." Spike gave Illyria a thumb's up. Might as well encourage her even if it might be all put on.

"Was my comment humorous?"

"Marginally. Humor's difficult. No better teacher than Xander."

"Yep. I was class clown. Didn't get the high school award, though. I was robbed." Xander threw a hand to his heart.

"Do you wish me to take revenge?" There was eagerness in Illyria's tone.

"Hmmm. Do I want to see my high school buddies ingest their own eyeballs?" Xander thought for a moment. "No. Most of them are dead, anyway. But thank you for the offer."

Illyria seemed taken aback at Xander's thank you. "You are welcome."

Spike stopped. "To put an end to the subject for a while, humor is another aspect of having fun, so it probably would be a good idea to learn more about it, Blue. For now, let's stay here a moment until everyone's gone. I'm thinking this would be a good place to discuss our plans for tomorrow."

Xander and Mena assumed sheepish looks. Spike smirked. They had probably forgotten all about the artifact and the dog show. He was glad they'd had a carefree time. They both needed a break. They all needed a break. He stepped up until he was flush against the concrete and leaned over, farther than was safe. He thought about jumping up and sitting on the top of the wall, like Humpty Dumpty, swinging his legs in the air. Another time, maybe. Didn't want some worrywart calling the police because they thought he was a jumper or something.

It was a beautiful night. He wished he didn't have to talk business. Below, the sussuration of the rushing traffic sang to him, horns honked in alto voices, and screeching tires shrieked in soprano. High up above the sleeping earth, there was a sprightly breeze; the stars were hanging in the night like moonlit kisses. The moon was--

"You humans have poisoned your world. The toxins surround this planet like a shroud, keeping you from the glory of the skies. In my time, I could stand on mountains and touch other worlds. In my time, I could stand among the stars." Illyria's voice was tinged with melancholy.

Spike shook his head ruefully. Best they did talk business before he or she worked themselves into a fit of total poetic fancy. He tucked the thought away for later, though. Illyria might like poetry. It might make more sense to her than all the explanations in the world. Dylan, now. Rage on. That would be right up her alley--

Xander snapped his fingers in Spike's direction. "Earth to Spike. Plans. Tomorrow."

Spike glowered at Xander. "No need to get pushy. Just thinking over what Haley and I discussed earlier."

"Guns. I hope you talked about guns, because honestly, Spike, I don't know if I could just hit the ground and let you take the fire." Mena spoke her words quickly as though she were afraid she would be hushed.

Spike was touched by the worry in her voice. He hadn't realized that she and Xander had discussed the subject.

"Don't think it will be a big worry, poppet. At least, not at the show. There's going to be a crowd, and I can't imagine guns being fired with all the people and dogs around. Our biggest worry is going to be all the cameras."

"The media," Xander said flatly. "They'll be there to televise the event, and when we snatch the gem--"

"Our pictures are taken and plastered on every bloody newspaper and television station across the country. Worldwide, most like."

"What are we going to do, then?" asked Mena.

Spike felt a pang at the look on Mena's face. They'd all been making light of this mission. He and Xander knew how to do that, make merry and not worry until the crunch because it might be their last chance. Compared to apocalypses and some of the horrors they had encountered recently, this was easy. Didn't mean it wouldn't be dangerous.

They hadn't considered that Mena wasn't as blase as they were. He wasn't sure what to do about it. Maybe talk to her a little later tonight or tomorrow morning.

"We're going to have to play it by ear to some degree. Clem is going to make sure we have a parking spot near the building, and Haley is going to wait outside in the Land Cruiser. Whoever gets away with the gem will pass it off to her, and she'll leave the premises immediately, so if any searches are done by authorities, the gem will be long gone."

"That takes care of the last act. Now for the beginning. Once inside, we get in as close to Red as we can. You," Spike pointed to Xander, "try not to get noticed."

Spike turned to Mena. "You get in as close as you can, smile and pet the pretty poodle and make sickening cooing noises. Then you ask to hold the pooch. I'll make a big scene at that point as a diversion."

He jumped to the middle of the walkway and pretended to be someone having a heart attack. "And you take the gem, secret-like, and then drop the mutt. Dogs don't like me. Figure I can spook her and get her running. I'll pretend to be trying to catch her, while keeping anyone else from actually doing it. The idea is for Red and the security people to think the gem is still on the dog. Meanwhile, Mena gives Xander the gem on the sly, and you separate and head out in different directions. Easy as pie."

"This all sounded a lot more possible when Haley was reciting it, using all her big Watchery words, didn't it?" Xander's hands were on his hips.

"Well, yeah. Her idea, really. I just added in the pick-pocket hand-off technique and figured we'd play it by ear a bit. I always think of something in the heat of the moment."

"Right."

"Yeah. Right. You got any better ideas?"

"What about Illyria?" Mena was staring down at the freeway, and her words were almost lost in the sound of the traffic.

"Not following you, pet."

Mena walked over to Illyria and faced her. "Are you part of the team? Or just someone we have to put up with."

Illyria reared back, incredulous anger twisting her face. Obviously, Mena was not to be tendered the same freedoms as Xander. Spike jumped to Mena's side. He wasn't sure how well Mena would fare against Illyria, and he didn't intend to find out. If the Old One decided to visit right now, it would have to take Spike out first. Mena didn't flinch. She ignored Spike.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm asking a valid question. We're going on an important mission tomorrow, and we've spent our time teaching you to feel instead of planning. If we end up in jail or worse, then who is going to teach you anything?"

"Wait a minute, Mena." Xander put his hand on the Slayer's shoulder. "You're right, we should have put more time into planning, but that's what we're doing now. Sometimes you just have to deal with more than one thing at a time. Besides, I'm not sure that Illyria's ready for that kind of teamwork."

"Do you think I am not capable of teamwork?"

If anything, Illyria's anger had increased. A blue tinge spread over her skin, and the pupils of her eyes became pinpoints. "I was with Angel and his people when they attacked the Circle of the Black Thorn. I stood in an alley beside the half-breed to face the hordes of Hell, and I carried the last warrior's body to a place where it could be given the proper rituals."

By this time, Illyria had shed all semblance of Fred, her blue-streaked hair fanned around her face, small strands dancing in the breeze. She stood wide-legged, head forward and pointed at Xander with a sharp, blue-nailed finger.

"I am a warrior-god, sister to strife and born to battle. I have accepted you as my supplicants, and as such, I will answer your call to arms. You offend me with your words."

"We are not your supp--" Xander huffed as Spike lodged an elbow into his belly.

Spike stepped in front of Illyria's accusing finger and spoke in a calm, steady tone. "Step down off the throne, Highness. Neither Mena nor Xander are defaming your prowess or willingness to fight. They're just not sure you can go on a mission and not fight. That's what we do whenever we can. You've been listening to our conversation, so you know what we have in mind."

"You wish to resort to deceit and theft and trickery instead of taking what you desire. You intend to lure your enemy away like a bird leading a predator away from her nest. You intend to flee like cowards leaving your opponents living and capable of hunting you down like dogs."

"That sums it up pretty neatly." Spike leaned back, resting his elbows on the concrete wall. "You up for that?"

"If I am not, then you will refuse to help me learn more about human emotions?"

"Not an issue. Like Xander said. We can deal with more than one thing at a time. We need to get this artifact -- without harming humans, because we protect humans -- and we help you find your place in this world. You want to help us, too, so much the better."

"Very well. I will help you."

Xander rubbed his chin and grimaced. "I'm not sure this is such a good idea."

Spike shrugged. "Illyria, can you go into something like this and refrain from pounding anyone into pudding? Cause we'd have to take you down if you did that."

"I can."

"You heard the lady, Xander. She can do it, and there's something else only she can do."

"That would be?"

"She can look like Blue when she steals the gem." Spike gestured toward Illyria with a flourish. "And she can look like Fred when she walks away carrying it."

"Wait a minute. You want Illyria to go to the dog show looking like -- like a blue, man-killing demon?" A fine spray of saliva flew from Xander's mouth.

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Because she'll look like a blue, man-killing demon. Not everybody likes those. Think how she'll spook the dogs. Think how she'll spook the humans."

"The animals will not be spooked if I do not desire them to be. Such lower beings are easily fooled. I shall manipulate my scent and pheromones. It will simply be a further extension of the visual deceit you wish me to perform."

Xander stared at Illyria for a moment, uncertainty on his face. "By animals and lower beings, you are talking about the dogs, not the humans, right?"

"The term is generic enough to include all who will be present." Illyria narrowed her eyes. "Will you not spook the dogs, Vampire? You do not smell human."

"Shouldn't be a problem as long as I watch my body language, keep my distance. Obedience folks might not be happy with the performance they get when I'm around, but generally, dogs don't react to me much unless I'm in game-face. Then they just run, most times." Spike rubbed his knuckles on his coat, his tongue curled around his teeth.

He was feeling pretty good right now. He'd known he'd think of something. Mena had helped, of course, but he still had it, didn't he? Could always rely on himself to recognize the advantage when it smacked him on the nose.

Xander's face still conveyed his doubt. "Run this past me, now. Just how does this increase our odds?" He threw up his hands to forestall comment. "I get the advantage of the change thing. I do. But won't the camera just catch her both ways? The authorities might think there are two people, but they'll just look for both Illyria-Illyria and Fred-Illyria."

Mena chimed in with her doubts. "And how do we keep people from panicking at the sight of her? And why not have her steal the gem in her human guise and change to Illyria afterwards? That might startle the security people enough so they hesitate long enough for us to getaway."

Spike waggled his tongue and sneered. He loved explaining the obvious. He could hear Xander's teeth grinding.

"Blue, can you tone down the high and mighty a bit? Don't change your appearance. Just act a little more like Fred. Maybe change the eye color."

Illyria walked to the middle of the bridge, facing away from the others, and then swung to face them.

She was transformed.

The alterations were subtle, shoulders rounded slightly, chin dropped, one foot placed on pointe so the knee was thrust out and her hips uneven. Suddenly, the fierce god-king was a strange looking human. A Goth gone mad but a human to all appearance.

"See, you lot think you know this lady 'cause you read your Watcher files and have spent the evening with her. You don't have a clue."

Spike's expression was earnest now. "I'm not one for kow-towing and ass-kissing, but she was a god-king and all with the seven dimensions and such. Doesn't pay to think one-dimensionally when you consider what she's capable of."

He was pacing, each step punctuated by the swish of his coat, and he made sweeping gestures as he spoke. "Looking like this? She's nothing all that exciting. Noticeable, but not that unusual these days, especially with a circus playing next door. And Mena, you're thinking backwards. We don't want people noticing who gets away. We want them looking for the unusually exotic person who stole the gem."

Mena nodded, but Xander shook his head in disagreement. "I'm still not buying. She grabs the rock and changes, and half a dozen people see it, and so do half a dozen cameras to boot." Xander wasn't budging. He worried when Spike started improvising.

"No. You still don't get it. They won't understand what they're seeing. Change only takes her a sec."

"But people are going to see her-- WHOA!" He almost fell as Illyria's face loomed over his shoulder.

"I can no longer halt the flow of time. That power was stolen from me." Illyria peered at Spike. "Still, I can move in ways that are not apparent to human eyes."

"You can say that again!" Xander huffed.

"Still, I can move in ways that are not apparent to human eyes." Illyria tilted her head in Spike's direction and lifted her eyebrows.

He snorted and his hand see-sawed in the air. "Yeah, a little funny. A little bit. The look on Xander's face -- now, that was priceless."

Mena giggled. "I thought it was funny." She threw Xander an apologetic glance. "When she said the bit about moving again. Not your face."

Xander was gracious. "Nah. My face was funny. Even I can tell that, and I couldn't even see it. Okay. This might work. If she can move like that after she gets the gem, any pictures that are taken will probably be too fuzzy to do any good."

"And if we make a fuss, get the doggies all lathered up and doing annoying doggie things to get everyone's attention, then most people are going to think she just disappeared. They'll go after the circus folk, looking for disappearing doors and such." Spike rubbed his forehead. "Maybe we better warn Clem to stay clear. Don't want him caught, in that case."

Mena jumped up and sat on the wall where Xander was standing. "How is she going to get close enough to grab the gem? Red knows me. I can get right up to him and make nice with Bubbles, but they aren't going to let just anyone walk up to him."

Spike nodded as if Mena was making his point. "He does know you, and if he thinks Illyria is with you, he won't object. I never did like the idea of you grabbing the gem. Now, if Illyria walks right along with you and starts flirting--"

~~~~~~~~

Xander smacked his forehead. "I knew there had to be something wrong with this scenario. I'll accept that Illyria can look human and move like a ghost but flirt?" He straightened to his full height and squared his shoulders, his eyes frosty and his arm thrust into the air. His voice throbbed with menace.

"You -- lower being. You will copulate with me, and as a reward, I will not pluck your eyes from your face and make you suck on them like grapes." He shuddered and returned to his normal posture.

Spike blinked. "Sounds hot to me."

"This would be a viable inducement to mating?"

Both men swung to Illyria, horror on their faces, and spoke in unison. "No! I was being funny!"

Xander scowled at Spike. "I was being funny. He was trying to be."

"I begin to comprehend the relationship between humor and fun. They both defy my understanding. I did not find either of you to be funny."

Mena decided to introduce Illyria to female solidarity. "It's because they're both guys. Men and women have a different sense of humor. Women's jokes are always funny; men's jokes are almost funny."

She laughed at the men's expressions. Spike pouted, and Xander made a nasty face at her.

"This was also a humorous statement?"

"Yes. Of the non-politically-correct, teasing variety."

"You tout the fact of female superiority in such a way as to induce the male to laugh at his own inferiority. This smacks of cunning treachery. I approve of such humor."

Spike and Xander had their turn laughing at Mena's expression, as she considered Illyria's description of her joke. She had thought she was only teasing, but Illyria had turned it into an act of war. Mena hoped Illyria never decided to become a feminist.

She shook her head. "Xander does have a point, Spike. Even if Illyria's with me, and even if she looks human, she still looks and certainly talks strange. If she acts the way she usually does, Red isn't going to let her anywhere near Bubbles or the gem."

Spike stroked his chin. He considered asking Illyria to turn on her Fred-mode, assume all of Fred's mannerisms, and dip into Fred's memories to call up her knowledge about flirting, but he wasn't sure he could stand to see Illyria with Fred's shy smile and laughing eyes. Might be fetching but -- no. It would be too painful. Instead, they could teach her what needed to be done.

Having made his decision, he slid his coat off and placed it on the wall. He wanted Illyria to be able to see all the subtle details of body language.

"You're both still underestimating our bluebird. She may not understand what motivates us, why we do what we do, but she can mimic well enough if she has a model to follow. Xander, get over here. We can show her how to flirt. I'll be the guy and you be the girl."

"What! I don't want to be the girl. Why don't you be the girl?"

"'Cause I'm too much of a guy. That's why."

"Oh, and I'm not?"

"If the high-heel fits." Spike made his trademark tongue-and-sneer face.

"Oh, funny. What about Mena? She is a girl."

"Yeah, but she hasn't had that much practice with flirting." Spike closed his mouth and frowned ominously at Mena. "You haven't had that much practice, have you?"

Mena preened, playing with her dark hair. "Oh, I don't know. Some of those evenings, when you all thought I was out slaying vampires, maybe I was out slaying the human male population, with a whole different kind of vamp action."

Xander's jaw dropped. "Mena! You are kidding, aren't you?"

Eyelashes fluttering madly, Mena smiled. "Maybe, maybe not."

"Is there something wrong with your eyes?" Illyria leaned closer to Mena, scrutinizing her face with interest.

"I'm flirting!" Mena repeated the fluttering motion of her eyelashes.

Spike scoffed. "Right. You've had plenty of practice."

He pivoted in Illyria's direction so she could see his face clearly. "Blue, what you do with your eyes is probably the most important thing about flirting. Mena's hamming it up. You'd never want to be so blatant."

Lowering his head, chin twisted in toward his shoulder, he shoved a hip forward and draped his hand over the jutting hipbone. His lips were pursed in a shape that was caught between a smile and a kiss, and he swept his lashes slowly down over his smoldering blue eyes. He peered out from under his lids, paused for a beat and fluttered his lashes exactly two times.

"See!" Xander pointed at Spike and hopped. "You've got the girl thing down to a tee. Besides, you're the one who used to wear makeup!"

Mena was shocked. "You wore makeup?"

"Well, yeah. Punk thing. Little bit of eyeliner. Nail polish. That's all."

"And lipstick. I've seen you wearing lipstick." Xander jabbed his point home with several thrusts of his finger.

"You have not. I have naturally red lips," Spike sneered with disdain. "And since when have you been paying that much attention to my mouth?"

Xander threw up his hands to deny culpability. "Hey! A guy wears lipstick in Sunnydale -- you notice. I think you wore rouge, too. And who's the bottle blond here? You are definitely more girly than I am."

"He's got you there, Spike," Mena teased. "Not that I think you're girly. But you do dye your hair. That's kind of a girl thing."

Spike puffed up his chest and flexed his biceps, "I am man enough to be able to dye my hair and wear makeup. But I never wore rouge. Bronzer, on occasion, to blend in with the crowd, but only because I'm so pale."

"Hah! I don't even know what Bronzer is. Proof. You are the girly-man!" Xander threw his arms in the air, fingers in a 'V' sign, and twirled in victory.

Giggles bubbled out of Mena's throat. Illyria watched her for a moment.

"You find this debate amusing? Spike and Xander are being funny?"

Mena nodded and put her hand to her mouth as though to push the giggles back inside. "Yes. But in this case, only because they're not trying to be! They're being silly." She laughed again as she caught the look of offended dignity on the faces of both men.

She sobered. "Spike, why don't you be the girl? I only suggest that because you've had much more experience with various types of women." She grinned. "Besides I want to take notes myself, and you'll give me better tips."

Spike grimaced but gave in. "Just doing this for you, then, poppet. Get over here, Harris."

Xander's smile was more than a little malicious. "Anything for a lady."

"Don't push it."

"Wouldn't dream of annoying a lady." Xander stalked over wearing his most manly expression.

"Harris-- "

"Xander, stop teasing. You know when he calls you 'Harris' nowadays, it means he's getting grumpy." Mena spoke firmly, but her eyes were dancing.

"Oh, well, then. Don't want any of my ladies getting grumpy."

Spike curled his hand into a fist. "You want me to shove my ladyfingers down your throat, just keep it up."

"I am confused." Illyria's head jerked back and forth between Spike and Xander. "This behavior does not equate with Fred's memories of flirtation, nor with your earlier explanations. Clarify."

Xander and Mena looked at each other. Spike scratched his head. "We're...warming up. Haven't really got to the flirtation yet. We have to do this because--" He floundered, looking for an excuse.

Illyria nodded her head and stated, "You do this to assert your manliness so no one will be confused by your female impersonation."

Spike stared at Illyria, his expression sour. "Let's just get started."

He took a breath and released it, relaxing his muscles, and he closed his eyes. He realized that he had been growing angry. He'd thought he was just bantering, but Xander's taunts had taken him back to his days in Sunnydale when he was chipped, when he'd had to put up with put-downs. He and Xander were different people now. He looked up to see Xander's face was apologetic. He guessed he wasn't the only one who had fallen into old habits.

"All right, Xander. Let's play this for real. If we want Illyria to do her job, we've got to show her what's needed."

"Agreed." Xander repeated some of Spike's actions -- breathing and relaxing. He posed himself, miming someone standing with a drink in his hand and smiled appreciatively, a man at a party who has just seen a beautiful woman.

"Wait a minute." Spike threw up his hand. "We need to back up a bit. Let's walk through this just like we want it to go in the morning. Sketch out the floor plan. You're Red, standing at the mike, with the pooch in your arms."

Spike folded his arms to show Xander what he wanted and then walked backwards, motioning for Mena to follow.

"I'm you," he looked at Illyria, "walking up with Mena. I won't have eye contact with Red yet, so I'm going for body language. With your coloring, you won't have any problem getting noticed, so I'm going for a contrast. Wild-looking woman with classy moves. Bold look with shy actions. Get him interested, but allay any fears he might have about the strange look."

"Like Arnold Schwarzenegger's dream girl in 'Total Recall'! Slutty but demure!" Xander couldn't contain his excitement.

Spike narrowed his eyes. "Doubt she's seen the movie."

"Sorry. Please continue."

"Where was I? Body language. Don't look directly at Red to begin with, yeah? Have him concentrate on your moves. And Mena, no giggling. You have to play it straight tomorrow, so play it straight now."

Mena nodded and Spike continued. "Here's the game. You two, maybe chat a bit while you walk, even before we enter the building. Allay any security people, and let Red get all worked up watching the two lovelies who are heading his way. When you get up to him, you," he jabbed at Mena, "get all gushy girly. Act real young."

He pointed to Illyria and brought two fingers up to his eyes. "About then, you'll start the ladylike fluttering and peeping from under your lashes. Keep Red watching your face and everyone else all charmed with the cute little romance that's going down. Don't be in a hurry."

Xander raised his hand. "What will I be doing during all this?"

"Shutting up and not being noticed."

"Right."

"Okay, then. We've just entered Red's line of vision."

Spike's whole body seemed to soften. He reached up as though grabbing a lock of hair and pulling it toward his mouth. He smiled a shy, crooked smile and spoke, his voice low and throaty, "Mena, honey, quit staring like a loon and start walking. Like a lady, mind you."

"Oh, walking." Mena jerked forward, then stopped and started over more smoothly. "Is this what you had in mind, sweetie-poo?"

"Why, yes, I think you've got it." Spike's accent ramped up several degrees in social class, and he sounded eerily like Haley. He led with his pelvis, swinging one hip forward and rolling his torso after it, placing each foot with precision, so that he swayed ever so gently from side to side. He moved his hand to touch his collarbone, to play with his hair, movements as delicate, yet as precise as a musician plucking the strings of a harp.

"Wherever did you learn to move so beautifully, Miss Spike?" Mena's eyes sparkled with delight.

Miss Spike tilted his head and laughed, letting the sound move the muscles in his throat. "Years and years of living with Dru, dear. She's an evil, maniacal, murdering fiend, but she's always been a lady."

"If we ever run out of foul demons and evil masterminds, you should consider running a finishing school for young girls."

"And you'll be my first student, sweetness. I promise." Spike smiled and moved his gaze toward Xander-Red.

He stopped for a split second, then continued walking, breathing rapidly. He watched the ground for a moment, then looked up from under his lashes. Looked away and looked again, unable to keep himself from peering at the amazingly handsome hunk that stood before him.

The hunk was standing with his jaw hanging open, having rudely dropped pretend-Bubbles long ago. "Wow! You do that good!"

"It's not time for you yet, you boob." Spike moved his lashes in his two-flutter specialty. "Mena, now's when you do the gushy thing."

"Right! Oh! Mr. Sovaine--" She stopped and turned to Spike. "Has he sung yet?"

"Dunno. Play it by ear."

Mena nodded. "That was like so beautiful! I'm so...I'm...you have got to record that song! I've never heard anything so totally cool."

Xander-Red beamed. "Why, thank you, little lady." He made a courtly bow, taking care not to drop pretend-Bubbles, who had amazingly re-appeared in his arms. "And why don't you introduce me to this stunning creature who's standing next to you?"

Spike shifted his weight and hid his face behind an invisible curtain of hair. The slightest of titters escaped from his lips, and he spoke in a whisper. "I'm...Illy."

"Illy?" Xander boomed. "A beautiful name for a beautiful woman. Y'all have a charming voice. Might you be a singer? Bet you warble like a songbird."

"Oh. Oh, no. I don't-- Mena, you step back now. Let me -- Illyria -- have the limelight. Keep moving till you're lined up to trip somebody who has a camera or something."

Spike lifted his head, spearing Xander-Red with an adoring stare from crystal blue eyes. "Oh, Mr. Sovaine. I've dreamed of meeting you for so long."

He splayed one faux-elegant hand across his chest, making sure one finger pointed directly to his nipple. Tears misted in his eyes. "I can't believe it's actually happening."

Xander-Red stared at Miss Spike's nipple.

"Mr. Sovaine?"

Xander cleared his throat. "Well, I'm really just a down-home type of guy, Illy. Will you have my babies?"

"We're supposed to be playing this for real!"

"I am! If a girl was gazing at me that way, I'd be sobbing in her arms and begging her to marry me!" Xander's face was earnest.

"Yeah, yeah. Well, let's assume Red's a little more suave than you are, okay."

Spike sent his gaze plummeting back to the ground, overcome. He bit his lower lip, until it was bright and swollen, then plumped his mouth into an almost-kiss. "You are too kind. I don't know what to say, Mr. Sovaine."

"Say Red. Call me Red, Illy."

Miss Spike swept his gaze to Xander-Red's face once again and moved ever so slightly closer.

"Red," he whispered.

"Illy." Xander's voice was equally hushed.

Spike had absorbed more than beautiful movement from Dru over the years. He swayed minutely from side to side, his eyes boring into Xander's. He breathed slowly, matching his exhalations to Xander's, and Xander began to sway with him.

"Red." Spike moved again, slightly to the side, so Xander's eyes had to follow his gaze. "May I pet your...poodle?"

"Ma'am, you can pet my...poodle anytime your little heart so desires."

Illyria stepped forward and sniffed the air. "You both smell of desire. Your flirtation is highly efficacious."

Xander and Spike flung themselves as far apart as possible, faces twisted into masks of horror, and they turned away from each other. Xander's face blossomed with red, and Spike's was a lighter shade of pale.

Mena broke into peals of laughter.

Xander sputtered. "No way. I wasn't doing anything effica-- I don't even know what that means. But I wasn't."

"We were just getting into the bloody moment, right? Method acting. Nothing personal about it at all!" Spike jerked his coat off the wall and donned it. He wrapped his arms around himself.

Pig-like sounds erupted from Mena's throat. She sucked in huge drafts of air and gasped. "Oh, oh, my. The look on your faces! Oh, God. I want to remember that look on my deathbed and die laughing!"

Tears streamed down her face. She slumped into a sitting position and held her sides. She saw Illyria was looking at her curiously and burst into a new round of laughter.

Illyria's face was puzzled. "Was not the purpose of the flirtation to inflame desire?"

Mena howled.

Spike gritted his teeth. "That is the purpose of flirtation, yeah. But Xan-- We weren't trying to...we have no desire." He fished in his pockets, and muscles jumped in his jaw as his hands came up empty.

"I do not understand the source of the Slayer's humor. Neither of you share it."

Xander sighed. "Can we stop talking about this now? Illyria, I'll explain the source of the humor someday -- many, many years in the future -- but the question is, did you get what you needed from our little show? Can you flirt like that? Get Red interested enough to let you get your hands on his gem? Er...on the gem?"

Mena's laughter was soundless now, only a vast shaking and twitching of head and body.

"Yes. I am to move my body in a way that emphasizes my female sexual characteristics, pull my hair, point my fingers at my mammary glands, and speak in whispers until I am close enough to put Mr. Sovaine into a light hypnotic trance. I can do this. I can also emulate the pheromones that both of you were emitting."

Mena whimpered but had no breath left in her.

"Huh." Xander rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Guess that sounds about right. Although, the pheromone thing," he waved his hand in a see-saw motion, "that sounds uncomfortably close to love-spell stuff. We're just trying to lull Red into complacency. We don't want every man in Reliant Center lusting after you."

Spike lifted his eyebrows. "Don't know about that. Might add to the confusion. Make things easier for us. But you should emulate female rather than male pheromones."

"Believe me, we do not want anything that resembles a love-spell. Maybe -- if things turn violent -- but not otherwise." Xander was insistent.

"Okay, Blue. You talk good, but proof of the pudding. Let's see you walk the walk and talk the talk."

Illyria took a few steps away from them. Her muscles relaxed, and she shifted her posture into an eerie mimicry of Miss Spike's. She strolled toward Xander and repeated the beginning words of the conversation from earlier. Xander looked worried but carried on gamely until Illyria began to sway ever so gently.

"Oh-h-h-kay. I'm satisfied. Er...I mean-- That's enough. Illy-- Illyria's ready to go." His breathing was uneven, and he stepped back, resolutely refusing to look at either Illyria or Spike.

Spike watched Mena, who was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs and her head resting on her arms. Her eyes drooped, and Spike could tell she was half-asleep. She looked like she was about ten years old.

He tapped Xander's arm with the back of his hand and nodded toward Mena. "Why don't you take the scamp and head back for the room? I'll run Blue through her paces a while longer, try a few different scenarios."

"Now, that sounds like a plan. Mena, let's go make Haley miserable. No reason she should miss out on all the fun."

Mena rose slowly and stumbled after Xander. She turned and grinned. "Did you have fun, Illyria?"

Illyria tilted her head for a moment. "I believe I did." She looked at Spike. "I have learned much tonight. I was correct in my assessment that you would be of help."

Mena waved and continued to the hotel.

"Didn't mean to teach you the hypno thing." Spike lifted his brows. "Didn't even know I knew how to use it. Never wanted to learn it before. What fun is it to kill someone who stands there and waits for it? I just got caught up being Dru-like and sort of fell into it."

Spike leaned forward and stared into Illyria's eyes. "Don't use it. You'll just be cheating yourself in the long run. Dru used it when she was weak. You don't need it -- you aren't weak. You understand what I'm saying?"

"I am not certain. I assume you are warning me that I will lower myself as a warrior if I stoop to such treachery. I will accept your caution for now. You have proven yourself to be an efficient teacher."

Spike nodded, but he was listening to Xander and Mena as they thumped down the stairs.

"You understand we weren't really desiring one another, right? We were just getting into it. It's been a long time--"

"It's okay, Xander. I do get it."

Spike heard giggles.

"It was the look on your faces! I'm sorry. You were just so funny."

"What does effica-- efficious...what does that word mean?"

They had moved too far for even Spike's vampire hearing to make out their words, and all he caught was the faint sound of laughter.

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Click on Miss Spike if you'd like to read the rest of the episode right now on Page 3. Or come back later, if you'd prefer to take a break.

Split Decision Page 1, 2, 3

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